Pendulum Read online

  Gordon tapped the sofa by his side. “Come over here and relax. We’ll just talk for a bit.”

  “We both know where that’ll lead. I don’t know if I can go there tonight. I’ve already had a grueling nightmare. I don’t have the energy to face anymore at the moment.” Despite my protest, I sat near him. His comforting tone lulled me once again into believing him—if only for the moment.

  His eyes filled with compassion. “Semara, I know this is tough, but I wouldn’t put you through this if I didn’t believe it would help.” He’d always managed to calm me, stilling my worries.

  Until tonight.

  My implant sent another shock through me. On occasion, I might be slow on the uptake, but not when everything in me screamed be careful, don’t trust blindly.

  Once again, I took measured breaths and calmed myself. “That’s the problem, I don’t want people to know what happened to me. I’m not even sure I want to know everything myself. It means admitting my mother physically and mentally tortured me for years. Why would she do it? I can’t believe it took those tactics to mold me into a princess.”

  Gordon’s hand covered mine resting on my knee. “Neither do I or any sane person. The answers are in your mind. We need to unlock them. Once we do, you’ll be free of the nightmares. I’m certain of it.”

  I wanted nothing more than to free myself from the bondage of my mother haunting my nights, but I didn’t look forward to reliving them either.

  “Tell me about your dream tonight. Why were you out in the halls wearing that dress?”

  My eyes flickered to his before I could stop myself. He claimed to have my interest at heart. But he was still the captain and could punish me personally or through hurting Ryder or Raeth. Telling him the truth wasn’t an option. That left me only one choice, no matter how much I detested it. “Yes, the dream was bad. I woke soaked in sweat and just wanted to get out and walk. The thought of pulling my jumpsuit on over my clammy skin was more than I could bear.”

  Yeah, that sounds good. Believable. I hoped.

  “I see.” He scooted sideways and lifted his leg onto the sofa between us. A friend’s posture. Certainly not a man who would throw me in the brig. Or worse, cast me from the ship.

  “Was the dream about your mother?”

  My gaze skittered away from his, but avoidance never worked long term. Gordon had a way of worming information out of me, no matter how much I tried to keep it to myself.

  “Yes.”

  Gordon nodded. “And the man? Was he there?”

  A shrill noise blasted my ears. It felt as if the implant was warning me to stay away from the memory. Yet Gordon’s eyes pleaded with me to share. From experience, I knew the only way to return to bed was to confess what had happened during the dream.

  Chapter Four

  Gordon rotated a dial on a device called a metronome. A rhythmic tapping joined with the lulling ship’s engines and the air flow from the ventilation system. “Try to relax. Clear your mind and focus on the beat.”

  Snuggling into the corner of the couch, I pulled one of the silky pillows onto my lap and closed my eyes.

  Tap…tap…tap.

  Funny how one sound can soothe a person, yet a similar one—like the ticking of that clock in my cell aboard my mother’s ship—provoked cringing terror.

  “You’re thinking.”

  “No…well, the sound triggered a memory. I was thinking—”

  “Don’t,” Gordon ordered in a firm yet gentle voice.

  I refocused my attention and blurred my mind. Tap after tap nearly lulled me to sleep.

  “Okay, Semara. I want you to listen to my voice. Follow what I say. You’re not alone. I’m here with you. No matter what, remember that. Repeat after me, I’m not alone.”

  “I’m not alone.”

  Gordon softened his voice. “Relax your arms. Relax your legs. They are anchored here, but your mind can float away.”

  My arm slipped to my side as if weighted down by a slag device.

  “Don’t think,” Gordon reprimanded. His baritone blended with the metronome. “Your hands. And now your feet.”

  I concentrated on releasing all the tension the way he’d taught me.

  “Now, your toes and fingers. Let all the energy drain from your body.”

  I heard his words. The instructions grew faint as I slipped away.

  “What do you see?” Gordon’s voice echoed inside my head.

  “Nothing, but I smell something.” I inhaled deeply, but didn’t feel the restriction of my ribs. “Metal?”

  “Do you smell something beyond the metal?”

  I inhaled once more. “Leather. No wait, that’s fading now. I smell…a pleasant spicy, musky smell. Like a lavender fragrance.”

  Gordon cleared his throat. “Um…deeper.”

  “Oh, right that’s you.” I’d mentioned it to him once when I’d first arrived, and he confessed he wore cologne at times to smell something besides the ship.

  “It’s okay. I’m here to help you. Relax and fade into your dream. You’ll taste, smell, and hear everything in that world. But always remember you’re here on the Freedom, safe with me.” Gordon’s fingers wrapped around mine and he moved my hands on top of the pillow. “I’ve got you.”

  His touch reassuring me, I released my connection to the present and flew into a faraway place above the water. A hint of fresh air wafted in a cool breeze. “Trees, flowers. I can smell them.”

  “Good. You’re doing great.”

  I heard the chirping of a bird like the one I’d dreamt of only awhile earlier. With little effort, the world came to life. Canopies of leaves filtered sunlight onto the soft grass between my tiny toes. I knew the child was me. A short, soft cotton dress caught between my legs when I walked to the water’s edge. Love, peace, happiness, feelings I had nearly forgotten existed. A large wooden cabin rested at the top of a flower covered hill. A man stood, wearing a plaid shirt and jeans, another person―no, child―by his side. They both waved, but the sun glared over their faces.

  “Daddy?” My voice sounded tiny, but happy.

  “My little princess.” His words reached my ear, filling me with joy.

  I willed myself to climb the hill to see my father, but the younger version of myself ran through the water, splashing and laughing instead. Innocence, a time I didn’t even remember existed. I was happy, healthy, and loved.

  Lightning bolts flashed through my eyes. Darkness shadowed over the land around me. A shiver shot through my little frame. I stumbled, skinning my knee on a rock, but I was brave and didn’t cry. Shoving my palms into the sandy beach, I pushed myself upright. Another lightning bolt jolted through my vision. Electricity shocked my body and I stiffened, unable to move. Daddy. Help me! I screamed, but the words never left my mouth.

  A jolt shot me from my body.

  No, I want to see my father. Not time to return. I wanted to remain in this body. But a force grabbed my essence and yanked me from the child’s frame, jettisoning me into the light blue sky. With no arms to flail or voice to scream, I was forced to yield to the will of the vision until it ended.

  Another flash of light and I looked through dark glass, down at a small child below. Her thin, blond hair danced in the wind. Hatred and venom conquered the tranquil peace.

  What’s happening? I’d always remained as a small child in my visions. Now I lived in someone else. Someone who hated me with every breath.

  “Kill him, and take the child,” she ordered, her voice, my mouth.

  Mother? Oh God. What was happening?

  She whirled around and faced the ship’s bridge, full of apprehensive faces. Levers were pushed, buttons pressed, and orders shouted.

  Mother glanced at Esmada, a much younger version of her assistant, then at a team of guards near the door. “I want Harrison dead or don’t return.”

  No! Stop! I screamed, but no one heard. A moment later, her will became mine. There was only one thing I wanted—my father dead and me to be cap
tured and locked away forever, only released long enough to satisfy the ignorant council.

  “My queen, incoming.” A man by a control panel tapped an earpiece and nodded. “A Neumarian ship. It’s a trap.”

  An explosion shifted the ship. “No. I won’t leave without killing them all.” She whirled on one of the men at the controls. “I’ll kill him first.” Once Harrison was dead, no one would be left to stand in my way.

  No…not my way. I’m not you.

  Chapter Five

  Tremors ravaged my body. I screamed in escalating horror.

  “Semara, calm down. I’m here.” Gordon rubbed my hands.

  While I heard Gordon’s words, images of a metal hand, flaming red hair, and hatred filled my mind. There was no room left to process what he said or wanted me to do.

  “You have to gain control or you’ll melt the ship,” Gordon ordered, his voice trembling in fear.

  A small part of my brain registered his words, but bloodlust ruled my actions. A bone deep desire to kill the younger version of myself echoed in my head.

  The smell of slag, the left over particles when someone melts metal, filled the room. My eyelids fluttered open and through the lightning bolts and stabbing pain, I saw steam rise from an object on Gordon’s table.

  While my eyes couldn’t focus on the object, I knew it was metal by its odor.

  Stinging sweat rolled into my eyes. I welcomed the sensation, grounding me to the present. Pain here was better than the emotional torture of being in my mother’s head.

  I clutched Gordon, trying to anchor myself. But the screams still exploded from me and the air thickened with moisture.

  “Captain.” A voice sounded from somewhere in the room. “Ryder Arteres took down three guards. Says he’s gonna start shooting if we don’t let him see Semara.

  Gordon’s hand brushed my brow and I sensed his closeness, but my eyes blurred with sweat and pain. “Bring him here,” he ordered. “Shh…calm down. Ryder will be here in a minute.”

  Gordon continued to offer comfort, but the desire to annihilate everything before me remained. It had infiltrated my heart, leaving no room for reason. I lifted my arms and pummeled Gordon.

  No…I wanted to kill myself. Frustration drove me to lash out at anyone close.

  “Kill her. Kill them all,” I yelled, fighting to murder whoever supported Harrison or Semara…me.

  “Hold on, Ryder’s coming. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.” Sympathy coated his words, but his empathy only fueled my fire.

  I clawed at him, but his hands gripped my wrists. “You’re worthless. Nothing but a weak traitor.”

  “Semara?” Ryder’s muffled voice traveled through a dark tunnel of blind hatred that didn’t waver.

  An internal struggle raged between an intrinsic need to shoot him dead and a desire to wrap my arms around him. My chest ached. A ripple of love penetrated the ocean of revulsion. I struggled to regain control, but Mother’s consciousness only strengthened and constricted my determination.

  Hands released my wrists while different arms wrapped around my body. Comfort surrounded me.

  I heard Ryder ask, “What happened?”

  I couldn’t see Gordon through the swirling images cascading through my mind. Orange and red shots streaked through the sky. The ship shifted.

  “I made a mistake. She’s not in her own memories. We need to get her out of there.” Gordon’s steps echoed like the string of bullets.

  “If she doesn’t?” Ryder asked.

  “You don’t want to know.” Gordon’s words brought joy. I wanted to stay and fight whatever attempted to destroy my ship…no, my mother’s.

  My head shook. Ryder’s hands grasped my face. A cool energy oozed between my mother’s connection and my desire to return to him surged forward.

  “Come back to me,” Ryder pleaded.

  The world around me faded once more as his words and chocolate brown gaze begged me to return to him. His presence blasted her shield, shoving it aside while tugging me free. A sense of peace urged me to follow.

  Finally, I managed to draw free, thanks to his love-filled touch. “Ryder?”

  “Yes, it’s me. Let go of the memory. You’re safe here by my side.”

  His power to heal coated me. After several breaths, the connection to the other world shattered completely. I slammed into Ryder with a fierce need to connect with him.

  “I’m here, and I’m not gonna leave you,” he whispered, his hands stroking my hair as he pressed kisses over my face.

  For several moments, I remained cradled in his powerful arms. The embrace I longed for each day. As he rocked me, I managed to calm enough to watch spirals of steam rise from the floor. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

  Ryder sat back and tipped my chin so I’d look at him. “It’s not your fault. You were only trying to help.”

  He kissed my cheek. A whisper of his lips brushed across mine. “You okay?”

  Inside, my heart thrummed with the need to remain in his arms, but not now. Right now, I needed to minimize the damage. If any of the guards saw this room before it cooled, I’d be lucky if the crew didn’t demand I be thrown overboard.

  Brushing Ryder’s thick hair, damp from sweat, from his forehead, I nodded. “Yes.” I leaned back. “Gordon. Need damage control. No one can see this.”

  Gordon paused in his pacing. I finally focused on his face, lined with anxiety. “Agreed.”

  “Mighty dumb move, don’t you think?” Ryder pushed from the sofa and stood with a commanding posture that made most men back down—but not Gordon.

  Captain Gordon might be a few inches shorter and have thinner shoulders, but he possessed an inner strength that matched both Ryder’s physical one and protective nature.

  Clutching my head while attempting to stand, despite the throbbing pain, I staggered between them. “You both want what’s best for the rebellion.”

  Fisted hands at his side, Ryder glared at Gordon. “Not at your expense. Enough of these sessions.”

  “If you’d let me explain,” Gordon said. “The reason it went so wrong wasn’t because of the work we’ve been doing. I’ve been trying to unlock her memory from the damage done by the neuro-alterers that were utilized on her.”

  I fought to remain standing against the stabbing pain shooting from my neck to the back of my eyes. “What do you mean? Are we not able to regain what the device took or altered from my memory?”

  Gordon ignored Ryder’s threatening stance and sat in the leather tufted chair behind his desk. “No, that’s not it.”

  At a knock on the door, anxiety shot through me. Although the steam had dulled to a mere thick mist in the air, the room’s temperature remained that of a sweatbox.

  Would the entire ship know by morning I’d almost melted the vessel that kept us alive in the depths of the ocean?

  Gordon stood and faced the door. “Enter.”

  “Sir,” a guard said, opening the door. “Mart has requested a report. Ship sensors indicated an extreme temperature fluctuation.” The guard’s uniform hung from his shoulders, the sleeves wrinkled as if he’d slept in it only to bolt from bed at a ship-wide alert.

  “Please excuse me. I better see to Mart.” Gordon rubbed his temples. “Inform the first officer I’m on the way. Dismissed.”

  The guard turned on his heels and the door slid shut behind him.

  “Ryder, I’ll bend the rules for one evening, but you two promise to keep it between us. Semara needs sleep and I believe you can calm her enough so she can get some rest.” Worry etched lines around Gordon’s eyes, aging him.

  “Gordon, what is it? I know something’s troubling you. Is there no way to regain my memories?” I asked.

  He pinched the bridge of his nose. “You’ll regain your memories. Maybe even some that don’t belong to you. At this point, I’m unsure what we can recover.”

  My pulse quickened. “I’m confused. You told me that remembering my past would help the cause. Any information I
can provide is worth knowing, right? But from now on, we’ll only do it with Ryder present.”

  Ryder’s arm enfolded me and tucked me into his side. A cool calm surged into me from not just his palm but his body, coating my mind and soul with his protective love.

  Gordon’s gaze drifted, touching everything in the room except me. He moved to the door, hit the orange button, opening it, and lowered his head. “Sometimes we have to face things that are far worse than we’d planned.”

  Ryder’s arm tightened around me. He always anticipated what I needed before I was aware I needed it and the stinging fear spreading out from my middle quieted.

  Straightening to my full height, I held myself as I had when I was a princess. Back erect, chin firm, eyes hard. “I can handle it.”

  Gordon’s gaze locked on mine with an intense dark, stormy blue stare. “That may be. But this isn’t just about what you can handle.”

  Ryder stepped forward, his hand dropped from me. “Careful. You might be captain of this vessel, but you’re still human.”

  I heard the warning and wondered if Gordon understood its import. Because, unless Ryder had told him the truth about his gift, Gordon couldn’t know Ryder was able to suck a person’s life force out of them or return them to life.

  “It’s okay, Ryder. The captain’s right. Although, how recovering my memories will affect anyone else, I’d sure like to know.”

  With the loss of Ryder’s comfort, the anxiety of the nightmare and memories rolled my stomach. “So, please explain how my memories can hurt anyone other than myself, Captain.”

  Gordon’s Adam’s Apple bobbed. “Memories are powerful. They can contain information that can alter the present and future.”

  Through our connection, I felt Ryder’s barely leashed anger. “In what way?”

  “It could cause the rebellion to fall,” Gordon said in a harsh whisper.

  Chapter Six

  I woke to Ryder’s lips pressed to my forehead. How I longed for the morning light to seep through the lace curtains at the boarding house in the Mining Territory. But that would never happen again. Once I’d escaped her, Mother had blown up the town, murdering half the people who hadn’t made it to safety in the underground tunnels.