Pendulum Page 5

  Raeth gasped. “N-nothing.”

  I nudged her toward the door and captured Ryder’s hand in mine. “He’s trying to stir up trouble, that’s all. We need to get to Gordon’s, remember?”

  Ryder wouldn’t budge. “That true?”

  “Yes, sir,” the guard smiled. “I know how you are about your sister. The hatred in your eyes is plain to see. All the guards know to stay away from Raeth.” His gaze skimmed over her. “She’s one cute young woman.”

  “Stay away from my sister,” Ryder growled.

  The guard chuckled as he left.

  “Really? You n-need to stop being s-so protective.” With a searing glare at her brother, Raeth pivoted and marched down the corridor.

  Ryder’s scowl stayed in place until we reached Gordon’s office, then he sighed and pulled me to him. “You think there’s something going on between my sister and Penton?”

  Ryder had grown so much since I’d met him. But when it came to Raeth, he was still an overprotective brother, terrified her heart would be crushed. I understood his fear. After all, he still struggled with the guilt of how he’d used his power to save her life several years ago, just as I still suffered from my guilt at not saving her from the queen’s butchery. “She could do worse. He’d die for her. Heck, he almost did during the queen’s attack. Or have you already forgotten my mother tried to kill all of us on Acadia Beach?”

  His eyes softened with a hint of sorrow. “No. I haven’t forgotten so many died that day to save us.”

  “One of them could have been Penton. Give them a chance, Ryder.” My fingers caressed his cheek. “Like us, Raeth deserves some affection and love.”

  His brow furrowed. “Fine, but if he touches her―”

  “Oh, get over it.” I dropped my hand from his cheek and faced Gordon’s door, but anxiety intruded on my happiness. What did Gordon have to debrief us on that the crew couldn’t know about? And would he expect me to live through more deprogramming?

  Ryder pulled me to him and pressed his lips to my head. “I’ll be with you. Anytime you don’t want to be here, you say so and we’re out.” He slid his palm to the side of my face. “We can go now.”

  Taking a deep cleansing breath, I retrieved his hands, cradled them in mine and kissed his palm. “I can do this. If it’ll help end this war faster, I’m all for it.”

  “Good. I’m ready to start living our lives together.” While Ryder’s words were gruff and filled with longing, I knew he wanted to build a life in honor of what his parents once had. Sadly, I couldn’t connect with that life. If my recovered memories were correct, my mother, the queen, had killed my father and subjugated me through torture.

  Gordon’s door slid open. “You ready?” As he gestured us into his office, I prepared for the inevitable reality of facing another day of remembering how much my mother hated me without a clue as to why.

  “Sit, please.”

  Ryder guided me to the couch and tucked me into his side. “Spill it. It’s gotta be big if you wanted me here, too.”

  Gordon rubbed his forehead. “There’s not an easy way to explain, so I’m going to tell you straight. There’s a problem with Semara’s deprogramming.”

  “Are my memories too far gone? Is there any way to extract what could help the rebellion?”

  Ryder squeezed my hand. “You’re always thinking about others. What of the memories of your father?”

  “It doesn’t matter. If he’s still alive, we’ll find him and make new memories. Like you and I have.” I smiled to reassure him, praying he didn’t see that my heart broke in two at such a great loss. Night after night, my nightmares showed me clawing my way through the Resort Territory, Mother’s ship, and so many other places, trying to catch a glimpse of my dad and the mysterious boy by his side. It never worked.

  Now, only protecting Ryder and our friends while ending the war consumed me. I wanted, no, needed, to prove that I was dedicated to the cause. And this was the opportunity. “Please, Gordon. Assist me with extracting what intel I have for the rebellion. Let me do this one thing.”

  Ryder cupped my face. “You do so much already, sweetheart. Don’t let the others get to you. They don’t know or understand you the way I do.”

  “Or I do,” Gordon added.

  At first, Ryder stiffened. I met his gaze and only relaxed when he winked then dropped his hands and sat quietly at my side, his legs stretched out before him. Without a word, he showed how much he trusted me with Gordon, he only feared for my safety, not my heart. And in that moment, I knew I could trust him with Mart, regardless of her motives, or how she claimed a princess and a rebel didn’t belong together.

  Gordon anchored his hip on the edge of his desk. “I’m afraid I can’t extract those specific memories either.”

  While my lungs tightened, years of hiding my sorrow prevented the tears from escaping. I’d failed at proving myself to the rebellion. Forget that, I thought as desolation swamped me. I’d lost my only chance at discovering the truth about myself.

  Ryder leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, his hands hanging between his legs. “Did the neuro-alterer cause permanent brain damage? Certainly between the machines at the ENR headquarters and my ability to heal, we’ll be able to repair it.”

  He knew how much it meant for me to remember the truth of my life. His simple words and support did more to soothe my anguish and prove his love than all his professions of it.

  “No, that’s not the reason. The memories we’re unable to uncover were not manipulated by a neuro-alterer.” Gordon rose from the desk, pacing the floor. “It was a Neumarian. There’s a block there. It probably happened while she was a child…just before the queen captured her.”

  “Izdajalski pošast!” Ryder shouted.

  I didn’t need to speak ancient Neumarian to know this was bad.

  A sting covered my skin, but I didn’t even know why. “I don’t understand.”

  Ryder punched the side of the couch. “Treacherous animal’ll pay for this.”

  “If it happened just before the queen’s arrival, he was forced to do it,” I said. “I must know something that will put everyone at risk. However, if a Neumarian altered my memories, can’t a Neumarian undo the block?”

  Gordon nodded. “Yes…probably. I’m just not sure. It may take the individual who created this block to undo it.”

  “Doesn’t matter,” Ryder sneered. “Neumarians don’t fold. My own sister was only twelve when she was tortured at the hands of the queen and never confessed her powers or agreed to help her just to stop the agony.”

  I dug my nails into the satin pillow at my side to keep from clutching Ryder and begging his forgiveness for the part I’d played in his sister’s torture. But it was history and couldn’t be undone. And Ryder had forgiven me just as Raeth had forgiven me. Yet strangely, it took hearing the pride in Ryder’s voice as he spoke of Raeth’s brutalization and survival to finally grant me permission to forgive my twelve-year-old self for not doing enough to save her.

  Ryder knelt on the floor in front of me. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.”

  “I know. I heard it in your voice. And you’re right, but your sister is special. Not everyone can withstand the queen’s methods. And let’s not forget, Raeth’s one third of the Triune.” I bent forward and pressed a soft kiss of acceptance to his lips, then sat erect, with my back as rigid as a princess. “It’s critical we discover how to unlock my memories. Is there a Neumarian with that power back at ENR headquarters?”

  Gordon raked his hand through his hair. “Perhaps, but as I said, it won’t matter if the only person who can unlock them is the one who created the block.”

  Ryder pivoted to face Gordon, while still maintaining contact with me. “Don’t understand.”

  “Even if there’s a Neumarian with that specific ability, it won’t unlock memories that didn’t belong to her.”

  Anxiety coated my body with a cool, damp dread. “Gordon, spit it out.”

  His c
omplexion paled as he met my gaze. “Those memories of yours, the ones of the resort area, they aren’t real. They’ve been implanted. I don’t know whether the queen did it to drive you insane or the Neumarian stored intel through these visions to provide the rebels with necessary information.”

  “Can’t you just dig in some more to…?”

  Sweat trickled down Gordon’s temple. “If I try, it could be a trap. We could lose you forever, along with everyone on this ship.”

  “Then we don’t do it.” Ryder shoved off from the couch. The worry plaguing him creased his forehead. “It’s too dangerous.”

  My mind swirled with possibilities. Perhaps I’d help the rebellion another way. Ryder would fight, Raeth technology, Penton weapons, and me…what could I do? The rebels didn’t trust me to fight by my side and, while I didn’t invent it, I used and manipulated technology like a Slag. “Ryder, there may be a way.”

  Ryder bolted to his feet. “No. I won’t let you. I stood by while Bendar shoved that implant into the back of your head. Then, I nearly lost you to spiderat venom, not to mention scavengers and the queen. When is your life more important than the rebellion?”

  His words took me aback. All he ever wanted from the moment we met was to win at any cost. He’d spouted sacrifice and fighting to everyone, freedom being the ultimate reward. Now, he abandoned everything he stood for to protect me?

  “Ryder.” Tears threatened to flow for the first time in months. I swallowed the rising lump and cleared my throat. “I love you.”

  Standing, I rose onto my toes, wrapped my arms around his neck, and pressed my lips against his hard thinned ones. Pulling back, I stared into his gaze and saw love, fear, and sorrow. “Listen, I could fight with you, beg, plead, and when you didn’t give me the right response, I’d find a way if I wanted to. I’m humbled and amazed that your love for me is so strong, but dig deep.”

  I placed my palm to his beating heart and willed him to feel my love as intensely as I felt his. Tears streamed down my face. “If we’re ever to have a life, not to mention your sister, the rebellion is more important than one person.”

  Ryder opened his mouth to protest, but I placed a finger over his lips. “You know it’s true.”

  Gordon cleared his throat. “There’s more.”

  Ryder took a step back. My hand slid down his jumpsuit and fell to my side as his gaze darkened with determination and he whirled on Gordon. “More than turning the woman I love into an incoherent vegetable for the rest of her life? I’ll bet you didn’t tell her about that side-effect, did you? All you care about is that she’d sacrifice herself if that’s what it took, and you knew it.”

  “Yes, I knew it.” Gordon’s eye twitched, the way it did before delivering the worst news possible.

  Ryder’s back tensed. “Then, why?”

  “Because, we arrive at the ENR tomorrow,” Gordon said.

  “That’s great news.” My pulse raced with excitement. “We’ll be off this ship. Dred can get help. We can meet with the council and plan a way to rescue all the Neumarians hidden underground back in the Mining Territory. We’ll finally have enough people to form an army and fight for our freedom.”

  Gordon rounded his desk, leaned on his knuckles and lowered his head.

  I clung to the notion that something good was happening upon our arrival, while a prick of doubt, coupled with fear, threatened my determination. “This is great news, right?” Hearing the uncertainty in my voice, I cast a sideways glance at Ryder for help.

  “They don’t believe she’s with us, do they? All this time you said she’d be welcome on the council, assist with strategies. You lied.” The entire room dropped a few degrees and Ryder advanced on Gordon, but the captain didn’t flinch. He stood as if he knew Ryder would dispense the justice he deserved.

  “Stop. This isn’t helping.” My anxiety warmed the room back to normal. As I struggled to control myself and not almost melt the ship again, I tugged the back of Ryder’s jumpsuit to turn him toward me. When his solid body didn’t budge, I squeezed between him and the desk, only to hear Gordon mumble, “It’s worse than that.”

  The room heated and the metal picture frame housing the photo of the woman and baby started to smoke as I turned and studied his face. “What could be worse?”

  “If you haven’t shared credible intel by the time we reach headquarters…” Gordon paused.

  Ryder hauled me back against him. His chill surged through me, trying to counter the fiery fear that had ignited within me. “What?”

  “They said that you’d be treated as a prisoner.”

  Ryder slammed his fist on top of the desk, startling me. “They’re going to put her in prison?”

  “Worse.” Gordon straightened and faced us both. “You’ll be tried, convicted of treason, and sentenced to death. Then your body will be shipped to the queen.”

  Chapter Eight

  “What?” I shrieked.

  “Jih prekleto.” Ryder swung a protective arm around my shoulders. “I won’t let them harm you.”

  The thought of facing a tribunal or execution wasn’t what horrified me most. The thought of returning to my mother, dead or alive, infiltrated every dark crevice of my body, where I’d stuffed my fear and sorrow. Facing her to fight was one thing, but being shipped off after my death didn’t sit well.

  Gordon leaned over the desk in challenge. “There’s only one way to stop them. We all know it.”

  Ryder shook beside me and I knew he attempted to control his anger, no…fear. “Yes, convince them she’s one of us. Order them to listen.”

  “I don’t have that kind of power. No captain has that kind of authority, especially one that just made rank because five other men died.” Gordon scrunched his forehead so tight he resembled an older, sun-exposed Neumarian who had spent the last decade strung out on Arvenati leaves.

  “Ryder, we don’t have a choice,” I murmured. Taking a deep breath, I stared into his face. “And I need you to be strong for us both.” Yet, as I said these words, something tickled the back of my brain. Not memories. Logic was screaming at me to stop and think. But did I have the time?

  My gaze sought Ryder’s. His mouth shot open and I placed my lips to his for a second. Cupping the back of his head, I remained so close, our mouths nearly brushed. “Listen to me. With every fiber of my being, I don’t want to do this. To be in my mother’s head is the worst torture I can imagine. But if a Neumarian did leave intel hidden within me, I want it. The rebellion needs it. It would mean I’m more than just a princess turned rebel, I’d be an integral part of planning strategy to bring this conflict to an end.”

  His eyes shut. I felt the muscles on the back of his neck tighten and I knew an internal struggled raged within him. “You aren’t just my love and a princess turned rebel. Raeth, you, and me are the prophesied Triune. Without you, we cease and the queen wins.” He stared at Gordon. “You understand this, how important we three are? If not, start now.”

  I drew Ryder’s beloved face back to mine. “Imagine, I could be carrying the key to stop my mother and end this war. How can we not take the chance?”

  His fingers clutched my hip as if to keep me close to him. “He doesn’t know that for sure.”

  “If it were you, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. You’re so quick to sacrifice yourself for me. Now it’s my turn.” I pressed my lips to his ears and whispered, “I trust you to protect Raeth and all our friends, including Dred, from the ENR. Escape if you have to. As for Gordon, keep me alive and whole.”

  Gordon’s footsteps echoed in the room. “You’ll remain by her side and, although you can’t pull her out, I believe you can keep her calm and safe until she maneuvers the labyrinth of memories to the one we need.”

  Ryder lifted his head. “Not comforting.”

  Gordon clasped his shoulder from behind. “I know.”

  The corner of one lip quirked. “There’s the ship, too,” Ryder said. “Mighty big risk. Just so you know, if you even b
reathe wrong, I’m ending this and not the way you think.”

  I let out the breath hitched in the back of my throat, but the lump of fear remained. “Good. We’re agreed.” Although, I suspected Gordon didn’t know he’d just sealed his death if anything happened to me.

  Gordon retrieved the metronome as I took my place by Ryder’s side on the couch. I’d never seen his face stricken with so much fear. He was fearless in the face of danger, but for some reason this petrified him.

  I sat on my hands to hide their shaking, only to have Ryder tug them free and twined our fingers as he said, “Don’t shut me out.”

  “I won’t.”

  His mouth curved into a slight grin. “It’s okay to be scared. If you weren’t, I’d be worried.”

  “I know this is hard on you, but I have to do this.”

  Ryder’s dimples appeared. “I know. You would’ve done it with or without me. That’s why I’m here at your side…and always will be.”

  He knew me too well. No one read me like he did. “Thank you.”

  “Let’s begin. To expedite this process, think about something you want to see through your mother’s eyes. If we try to delve straight into what’s hidden, it could go wrong quick.”

  I shivered at the thought of entering my mother’s mind.

  Gordon leaned in. “Don’t start by trying to answer the major questions. Focus on something safe—perhaps your childhood with your mother, if the memory goes back that far. Childhood memories are weaker. If anything goes wrong, you can pull out.”

  “Okay, but it’s hard to picture my mother as a loving woman.” With a sigh, I closed my eyes. “This is going to be interesting.”

  “Relax. Don’t think.”

  Gordon ran through the process to connect me to whatever place these memories were housed. Limb by limb I relaxed, despite the agitation still scratching at my spine.

  “What do you smell?” A voice echoed in my head.

  “Cedar and Pine. Scents from my childhood,” I answered.

  Opening my eyes, I looked into the world of my childhood. Laughter sang from the other room and I crept to the doorway. I saw my mother and father teasing one another, sitting on a pale blue couch, their backs to me. My eyes narrowed on my mother. She looked different, soft and in love.